25000 Volts Will Stop That Barking Dog

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25000 Volts Will Stop That Barking Dog

by Fred Hoffman

I just "did a Google" for "HOW TO QUIET A BARKING DOG" and wasn't at all satisfied with the results. The best they had to offer was a "NO-BARK COLLAR".

Hasn't anybody else out there spent countless, sleepless hours listening to the neighborhood dog (dogs) yipping, yapping, barking and growling at the moon, and at each other; keeping their loving masters safe from every squirrel, possum and strange shadow that passes through their "sworn to protect" territory?

Ask any ten people you know if they have ever lost any sleep due to a barking dog. Ask then, HOW RECENTLY? And IS THE PROBLEM IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD GETTING BETTER OR WORSE?

And is it just a coincidence that these same dog owners are more likely to drive vehicles equipped with "tuned mufflers" and "speakers from HELL".

My idea is simple--in principle if not in execution. Instead of some benign collar that dispenses a mild dose of citronella, let's go the MORE POWER route that was made famous on TV by "Tim, the tool man."

I'm thinking a low amperage, 25,000 volt shock system. The low amperage will probably make the system non-lethal; inducing rather a 4 to 5 hour period of unconsciousness, with few, if any, lasting side effects.

The device could be triggered by the neighbors--those who suffer most from all that barking.

At the time of installation all the neighbors within barking distance (a half mile or so) would receive a remote transmitter. By simply punching a button they could activate the 25,000 volts in safety and anonymity.

To be on the cautious side, the device would require simultaneous activation from three seperate units.

To keep the units from overheating, they could only be activated once in any 24 hour time span. It's practically guaranteed that they wouldn't be needed any more often than that, however. 25,000 volts will be a real attention getter.

My wife thought she was raining on my parade when she assured me that the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals would never approve such a device; and that I could get in serious trouble for even suggesting such a thing.

(Of course, this is the same woman who could sleep through a mortar attack; so naturally she doesn't share my enthusiasm for what I now call "the peace and quiet machine")

She did warm up to the idea a bit when I explained that my brain child was never intended to be worn by any canine. No, no, no. We're going directly to the source of the problem: The Owner. The Master. The irresponsible clod whose job it is to contol the family pet/pets.

Instead of a collar worn aroung the dog's neck, I am suggesting a box worn on the owner's belt (as close to the genitals as possible).

One 25,000 volt reminder from the neighborhood and I'm quite confident that the barking problem would be solved in a hurry.

A quiet place in the country to spend our "Golden Years". OR SO WE THOUGHT. In the time it has taken us to add a pond, an orchard, herb and rock gardens, and a bird sanctuary to our back yard; our nearest neighbors have added enough barking canines to put the average animal shelter to shame--at least volume-wise. Please, if you have any suggestions for regaining some serenity, won't you email us? fredandgayle@charter.net

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